Where is Your Bathroom?

This is real book.

Public bathrooms aren't exactly my favorite place to be, unless they're the really posh ones with couches, lotions, and an attendant. I dislike the ones at The Bookstore even more so because I have to clean them and the customers that use them are, shall we say, messy. But every now and then, they can be a source of hilarity. If you hear me laughing maniacally from inside the bathroom, you might not want to come in. I may be laughing to keep from crying. Although, if you hear me giggling like a ten-year-old, that means I will invite you in and force you to look upon whatever the bathroom gods have gifted us.

Have you ever walked into a stall and seen that someone has not flushed the toilet? Or perhaps it is because whatever came out of their backside will not fit down said toilet? I always wonder what the hell that person ate. They should have left a note. 

                               Dear Fellow Bathroom User,

                               I apologize for the Redwood tree in the toilet. I tried 

                               everything but the toilet just couldn't handle it. A 
                                word of advice - don't eat (insert random stool-hardening,
                               constipation-inducing food from hell) from the food court.
                               
                                                                                 Save yourselves!   


If you can spot the customer walking rather uncomfortably through the store, you've found the culprit. Honestly, there are times I've wondered how such things left behind didn't cause them to let out a blood chilling scream. Some of them are inhumanly large. There was one such incident where I swear a horse used our bathroom because what I saw could not have possibly come out of a human being....and it looked like they had eaten hay. Yeah.

I really love it when a customer says to me, "Your ladies room is in need of attention. It's horrible in there!" Without fail, as I'm walking to the bathroom, this scene is playing in my head:

Daddy Day Care

I walk in expecting total chaos and almost always find just a piece of paper on the floor. I'd like to see those people's reactions to when there really is poo on the walls. Yes, I know it's part of our job to keep the restrooms clean, but that doesn't mean it gives you the right to forget all common decency. If you drop paper on the ground, pick it up and put it in the trashcan. If your child makes a mess on the toilet seat, clean it up. I could go on for days....

I will conclude with a funny story that happened to me in our bathroom just the other day. I entered the stall and set my name badge and portable store phone on top of the toilet paper dispenser. I sat down to do my business. (In case you didn't know, women sit on the toilet unless they're one of those ones that like to hover.) I reach over to pull down some toilet paper and the front cover of the dispenser pops open, whacks me in the face and sends my eyeglasses flying. Ow. I put the cover back up and finish. I grab my name badge and go wash my hands. After washing, I realize something is missing.

Where is the phone?

In my pocket? No. On the floor in the bathroom stall I was in? No. In the other stalls? No. In the trashcan? No. By this point, I'm starting to lose my mind and question myself. Did I really bring the phone in here? There was no way it fell in the toilet, right? It's too big. There were a few seconds of what-ifs. I checked the office where I was prior and the phone is not there. Finally, I go back into the stall and open up the toilet paper dispenser and there it is.

Sanity restored...well...for now.