Sunday, July 8, 2012

Crazy to the Third Power

I sincerely apologize for not updating the blog recently, but other things have taken up my time.....hmmmm, perhaps I will blog about that. Anyhow, let's get back to it, shall we? This is currently my 14th year of retail hell, so I've had some interesting customers over the years. These three are just the most recent oddballs. Also the fact that they all share the same first name boggles the mind. Apparently the name Charles means: one who is manly and strong. Riiiiiiggghhhtt. Not these ones.

Charles Cubed

Charles #1.....aka "Burpy" Charles.....aka MY NEMESIS! Usually, I am pretty patient with people. I can keep my composure on the outside and smash a brick into your skull on the inside. "Burpy" Charles pushes that ability. He makes a vein appear on my forehead that is not usually there. I should perhaps explain why I have dubbed him "Burpy". He the middle of sentence.....while he is talking to you. He is an oily, sweaty, pig of a man. We rejoiced when he moved out of state! You should have seen my face when I spotted him back in the store. He can be belligerent and rude at times. I feel really bad when a new person gets stuck trying to help him. Someday, I truly....truly feel I will shove a pencil into his eyeball.

And the staff will build a statue in my honor.

Charles #2....aka "Pervy" Charles. This Charles I don't usually have the pleasure (wink, wink, nudge, nudge) of helping because he spends most of his money in the DVD department. He earns the moniker "Pervy" because he likes to watch movies with naked women. Not porn, but movies where an actress shows off her Talent and Ability, if you get my drift.

He has his own lists of movies written down, all coded to denote what gets shown off in said movie. T = tits, etc. He has no qualms about letting you know his disappointment when he expected to see a certain body part and it was not the case. "Pervy" Charles really is a nice guy. He is a self-admitted "Dirty Old Man" but it is kinda sweet to see him get a bit choked up when he's praising the service he gets in our DVD department because they help him find his skin flicks. ;-)

This is his bible.

Charles #3....aka "Math" Charles. I speak to Charles nearly every shift I work, sometimes several times. He always wants obscure, high level math books and the occasional kung-fu book. Which leads me to think he is some sort of savant with a black belt. He doesn't interact very well with others. If he doesn't like you, he will let you know or he will let someone else know. I am usually his first choice to help him, so he gets fidgety if I'm not there or one of his other "approved booksellers" aren't there. Lately, he's been wanting math books in other languages. He thinks I speak French because I pronounced a French title to his liking! The other day he began a sentence with, "When you speak Chinese, April, how do...." The only Chinese I know is what Kai-lan has taught me (Ni Hao!).

Some other notable moments:
 - While he was in the store, he started doing what I can only describe as a "Neo dodging bullets in the Matrix" move. Followed by a tossing around of an imaginary football. 
- Another in-store moment, there was another customer waiting behind him. After that customer was helped, Charles leaned in and asked me, "Does that man have a history of being mentally unstable?"
- Someone put it in Charles' head that his phone may be bugged because the line kept getting static.
- Telling someone they had a baboon butt. 

Whenever I help Charles, I think to myself that maybe he is secretly a millionaire with no family and in his will, he will leave me lots of money because I was so great at helping him. I also think that if he ever snaps and goes on a mass killing spree, I will be spared. Dane Cook explains it well....even though "Math" Charles is not a co-worker...