Everyone Poops....On the Floor.

WARNING: IN CASE YOU COULDN'T TELL FROM THE TITLE OF THIS POST, THIS IS ABOUT POOP (OR IF YOU WANT THE TECHNICAL TERM - DOO DOO) IT'S NOT FOR THE FAINT OF HEART. IF YOU'RE STILL WITH ME THEN PUT ON SOME RUBBER GLOVES AND LET'S DIG IN.

Gentle reader, you may be asking yourself why I'm blogging about shit, in the literal sense. I felt compelled to record, in writing, the various experiences I have had with this particular subject at The Bookstore. You know for posterior...uh... prosperity's sake. These are the stories that I wait a few weeks before telling any new hires, just in case they decide that it just ain't worth minimum wage.

Incident the First

There was a woman who was standing in line at the cash registers who had apparently eaten some chili that was laced with PURE EVIL because she left a trail from the line to the bathrooms. Thankfully, they are near the cash registers. Of course, now there is um....something brown on the tile and carpet. While I and another brave soul, try to clean off the carpet, this poor woman has barricaded herself in the bathroom. I felt bad for her, I really did. Her pants, obviously, are ruined and she can't leave the safety of the bathroom, which ain't a pretty sight either after she was done. Bless her heart, much of it she cleaned herself. Mall security was called in order to find her daughter who was wondering the mall and sans cell phone.

Incident the Second

This one I was not present for. Which saddens me in a morbid way, because it's just so outrageous. An older man had a "blow-out" if you will. Those of you with children will understand. The damage was apparently so extensive that he took off his pants and underwear and left them in the bathroom trashcan. Then he walked through the store, into the mall, and in the direction of Sears. Yep. Nothing but a shirt and a smile. Okay, I doubt he was smiling, but still. He must have been a ninja because no customers complained about a half-naked man traipsing through the store. Or they just didn't give a damn.

Incident the Third

This one puts all the other poop stories to shame. It began with the words, "April, come smell this." Never a good conversation starter. Oh look, something brown and squishy on the floor. It couldn't possibly be, could it? Oh look, there's more over here.....and over there....and down that aisle......and on that shelf.......and inside the music department.....OH THE HUMANITY!!!!!!!

There was shit everywhere.....EVERYWHERE I TELL YOU!

Not only are we trying to clean it off the floor, we are trying to prevent other customers from stepping in it!! We were not always successful. No, that's not dog poop you just walked in, ma'am, here let me disinfect your shoes. Took nearly two hours to clean up. Afterwards, seeing as how we have cameras in the music department, we checked the video to see who our pooper was. It was a woman in a skirt, who just seemed to randomly walk the aisles leaving a lava flow in her wake. How do you not feel that coming out of you and down your legs?? And you know what?? I recognized her! She had walked past me as I was scrubbing the carpet. Bitch made eye contact! If I had known at the time, I would have rubbed her nose in it and said "No!"

Honorable Mention
In the middle of our main pathway through the store was found a dirty maxi pad. Did it fall out?? WTF.

So, next time you are at The Bookstore and go to sit on the carpet, remember these stories and go find a chair.

For more potty humor, I suggest the following: http://www.fart-sounds.net/perfect_dump.htm